Quit stringing me along

[Hat tip to the OG]
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the barman says:

"I don't serve pieces of string in here"

So the two pieces of sting go outside. The older piece of string gets an idea and after much wriggling and pulling out some pieces of thread, he enters the bar again.

The barman says:
"Wait a minute ... I just kicked two strings. You look familiar. Are you a piece of string as well?"

Came the reply:
"Nope, I'm a frayed knot"

A Medical Challenge

At a medical convention, an Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.

Happy Hallowe'en!

Sorry Paddy!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!' He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts:

'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says:
'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says: 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

'B'Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says: 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.
Paddy drives past& stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts:

'It's thick twats like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the sh*t out of you if I could swim!'

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband. Naked. Bent over, and drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed:

“FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”

Top Ten Celebrity Quotes on Sex and Relationships

1. "Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's gentials through his wallet" - Robin Williams
2. "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither!" - Steve Martin
3. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sec, no matter how bad it it." - Barbara Bush
4. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholseome things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy
5. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" - Billy Crystal
6. "Having sec is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
7. " Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
8. "Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope" - George Burns
9. "Women might be able to fake orgasm. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
10. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

Have a great day ... the markets look like they are starting down yet again.

Bull vs Bear

The perennial battle between Bull and Bear market seems to have taken a turn for the worse.

Bull: "I am conerned about the massive deleveraging across the global markets and the ability for stocks and bonds to absorb the sales."

Bear: "Don't worry, I've got your back"