A Medical Challenge

At a medical convention, an Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.

Happy Hallowe'en!

Sorry Paddy!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!' He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts:

'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says:
'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says: 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

'B'Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says: 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.
Paddy drives past& stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts:

'It's thick twats like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the sh*t out of you if I could swim!'

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband. Naked. Bent over, and drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed:

“FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”

Top Ten Celebrity Quotes on Sex and Relationships

1. "Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's gentials through his wallet" - Robin Williams
2. "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither!" - Steve Martin
3. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sec, no matter how bad it it." - Barbara Bush
4. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholseome things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy
5. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" - Billy Crystal
6. "Having sec is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
7. " Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
8. "Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope" - George Burns
9. "Women might be able to fake orgasm. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
10. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

Have a great day ... the markets look like they are starting down yet again.

Bull vs Bear

The perennial battle between Bull and Bear market seems to have taken a turn for the worse.

Bull: "I am conerned about the massive deleveraging across the global markets and the ability for stocks and bonds to absorb the sales."

Bear: "Don't worry, I've got your back"

School Then (1979) and Now (2008)

I've decided that for an undefined period of time while I carry out my experiments this blog will be focused on jokes that I get sent on a daily basis. The stories/jokes, etc are not mine, and you will probably have seen some of them, but hopefully not most ... Enjoy!

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1978 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2008 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1978 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1978 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1978 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1978 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2008 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1978 - Ants die.
2008 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American Carriers ever again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1978 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Never has a stable relationship for the rest of his life.

I'm glad I went to school in the 70's